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Talking to your kids 101

By Diane Griffith, Staff Writer, myOptumHealth

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Whether they're toddlers or teens, kids can ask tough questions. And when they do, you may not always have easy answers. If you want your kids to come to you - and not less-reliable sources - with questions, open the lines of communication as early as possible.

Let your child know you're available

Children of all ages need to know you're there for them. Take note of the times your child is most likely to feel like talking. This may happen as soon as he gets home from school, while you're eating dinner or right before he goes to bed. Start the conversation. Let him know you care about what is going on in his life.

Pay attention

Let your child know you care about what she has to say.

• When she voices a concern, stop whatever you're doing and give her your full attention.
• Express an interest in what she says.
• Listen to her point of view, even if you disagree.
• Let her finish making her point before you respond.
• Repeat what you heard to make sure you understand what was said.

Think before you answer

Take a moment to consider how to phrase your response before you speak. It may make the difference between your child listening or shutting you out.

• If you feel strongly about an issue, phrase your feelings in a constructive way. If your child thinks a subject makes you angry, he may focus on your anger and not your words.
• Listen to his point of view without criticism. It's important for him to hear your opinion, too, but offer it without being judgmental.
• Don't argue about who is right. Acknowledge that you disagree with each other, then state your opinion.
• Put your own feelings aside. The conversation should focus on what your child is feeling.

Talking to young children

Young children have constant questions about the world around them. Avoiding a subject to "protect" them from harsh realities may do more harm than good. Don't let your child feel that a topic is so bad that even his parents don't want to talk about it.

When talking to a young child about a sensitive topic:

• Be open to anything she'd like to discuss.
• Be honest. Don't try to shield her from something unhappy - such as the death of a relative.
• Listen to her and try to understand how she feels.
• Give simple answers in words she can understand.
• Don't overwhelm her with too much information.
• If you don't have an answer, don't pretend you do. "I don't know the answer to that" is a reasonable reply.

General tips

• Ask your child if she wants advice before you offer it. She may simply want comfort or someone to listen to her.
• Talk to your child without lecturing, criticizing, threatening or hurting her feelings.
• Let your child learn from her own choices. If she's not making a decision that will put her in danger, let her do what she feels is best.

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs you'll ever have. Listening and keeping communication channels open may be the best way to maintain a healthy bond and positive connection with your child.

View the original Talking to your kids 101 article on myOptumHealth.com 

SOURCES:

• HospiceNet.org. Talking to children about death. Accessed: 10/20/2009

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Good decisions: more than a feeling. Accessed: 10/20/2009

• American Psychological Association. Communication tips for parents. Accessed: 08/01/2009